The heart has to be broken to open

Are you ready?
are you ready to see your story from a different set of eyes.
are you ready to see the moments you missed?
are you ready to see your love slipping away into its owners arms
Let me tell you how the story of how you fell for her without you realizing. And how you used me to do it

February
The first day of warning.
I don't know why I did not keep my eyes peeled and back up in that moment.
I expressed to you the feeling of the weird vibe from her.
Back from the days from which you knew her
Betrayal was in her blood.

I told you my short story,
How I  was just a naive kid then who hated high school because of how people treated one another and how friends I thought I had, got taken away by lies and deceit.
This was until I mentioned her. The new girl.
The girl that changed my whole high school experience.
The girl I stayed behind school for, even have my signature till this day designed by her, she was fun and interesting and made high school less hell.
The girl who made me forget the evil around me.
That was ..until the day I realized just truly how naive I was
A naive girl thought back then she could express her feelings of how she has trust issues with friends via the form of a letter. Because the new girl was someone she did not want to lose. After receiving the letter. The new girl added herself to the list by showing it around. First trust moment broken, was she to be surprised? Now its interesting that I still hold on to that moment till this day. Not that I have not forgiven it, just that I have not forgotten. You always remember the day you were betrayed by someone you cared about. After things went south for the two friends, things got better after high school, until the day rumours were flying that she was saying stuff about you in her school. Of course she denied it, and my close friends warned me. They warned me not to trust her. But the naive girl was back again, happy to have her friend back and choosing to believe the new girl was just misunderstood. LOL. That's all I can say for now. Back to the story.



Its rather interesting when a guy would use everything in his power to defend a girl he met not longer than a year and NEVER met officially in person.
Its rather interesting that he claims your feelings are acknowledged and you have every right to them, but still manages to not give you a second to express how you feel.
Facts and Feelings. Facts and Feelings.
Neither holds a fact. Both of us hold evidence to support how we feel. All I know is God knows the heart.
Say your piece. Allow me say mine? No.

I remember that day clearly, downstairs of the Hugh Robson Building we were studying together but you were on your phone texting her with inside jokes. I was uncomfortable but I had no right to be because you were not mine, You saw how I felt and wanted to show the innocence and  you handed me the phone to skype with her. I was uneasy about it but excited at the possibility of my idea of her being wrong. After skyping her she seemed so excited to see me, I thought it was genuine. All the facts were there.
She smiled, she asked how I was, she seemed like the girl I knew back then. Something in my heart however was still tugging, something was not right. 
Facts and Feelings. I ignored my feelings for the facts.

I found it weird how I was comfortable with every other girl in your life but her. I assumed maybe it is because I know her. That I am using old feelings on a present situation. I wanted ...believe me, I wanted to be wrong. I told myself, well, you were close back then, and life allowed you to still be on talking terms via twitter and before even your boyfriend came into the picture. You can say she is a decent friend right? she wouldn't try to hurt you. Friends don't do that. If you don't trust his feelings for her, nor her feelings for him..do you at least trust her friendship with you?... In hindsight, I had the facts (from the past on how she treated our friendship) and I had the feeling of uneasiness, and I still said yes. I loved him.

Let me show you now the story of you and her:

Figure 1

• January- First day of warning. You cared for your friendship with her, she made you laugh, you had your banter and inside jokes, you defended her character.                                                                                                                                                                    
• February- She was the woman behind your thoughts. She was your "secretary" as you said (figure 1). The Donna that claims she does not love you and does everything to help you succeed with your other relationships, picking out gifts, sending you emojis of "us" ,    and saying she helped being us together,                                                                                                                                                           meanwhile harboring feelings. She was right. Your story has changed.  No matter how much i hinted i liked teddies or things i might like, you still went to her for advice. She picked out the gifts for me I wanted to come from you. Subconsciously as well and at the time I did not realise, you picked out an item she would love. A minion bag. She loved minions, and in your heart and mind you knew this. I did not care for them. However, she was the thought process behind what a girl might like. You may have not thought of it like that then. But remember this, This is the story of your subconsious feelings whether you like them or not. Whether they may be true or not. Its for you to judge but not respond. 

• March- April- We fought endlessly over her. I craved to have the kind of friendship you have with her, the closeness, the security. The times we spent on the couch of my old house, I enjoyed hearing everything you went through and being able to be there for you because you were making an effort to open up and be close. However, it would never be the same. In other relationships it is understandable if your girlfriend is not your best friend yet but the possibility that she might be eventually is a sign to keep going. I saw no possibility. All I saw was constant competition for your attention. Messages to her would be forwarded to me, sometimes forgetting to remove the name and inside jokes. I wouldn't be the first you came to about most. If I ever was it was out of respect of the relationship but not out of the want from your heart.
• Summer- Distance made us much worse. I wanted to trust you, I did, I just did not trust your feelings for her. In addition our friendship worsened, as I clung unto you, wanted to talk to you every hour, and you wanted space, you told me to find my own fun so I don't feel I need to talk to you all the time. I tried. I realized then that I was dependent on you. I was forcing a closeness I desired that could not happen for you and I. She was your refuge and I kept making mistakes because I wanted someone who wanted me as their first choice. I always felt like something was missing during these months and I kept hurting you by the hurt and emptiness I felt. It was unfair to you because you could not willingly give me what I desired. You did not have it in you to give what I wanted. You were the "good guy", doing everything right by the book but not right for yourself. You did not love me after the cupcake phase because you did not want to. You may think you did by actions, which is true, but those around me and even myself could feel your emotional distance. Following what the perfect guy in a relationship would do would not fix it. You had to crave it. You did not. I realised if I am not happy on my own, I would not be with you. I am no longer like this now. Like you would come to find out under the things you taught me. I do not get attached. 

• October 15+ -  You wanted to see her as soon as my birthday was over. You asked me to go see her over the weekend for your birthday and stay in her house and told me I should be comfortable with it because her boyfriend was comfortable with it. Making me seem like the bad guy. My heart did not sit right with it. You said you would not do it if I was not comfortable. However ,the mere fact you were even asking me, the mere fact that someone dating you would say to you  that he would rather be with another woman for his birthday should have told me then all I needed to know. I pushed those feelings aside because I did not want you to be disappointed your "best friend" was not there for your birthday. So there she was , here in my house , my old friend. Now pay attention because this is the crucial bit. 

We argued in private over her for many reasons that you did not seem to see 

1. She came cold. :Most girl best friends would at least pretend to be nice to the girlfriend and the genuine ones truly happy for you would try to get to know the girl that made you happy. Marie was this girl. You said it was because you weren't as close to her as you were to your best friend. That was not it. Marie was genuinely happy, she allowed us sit together even encouraged you to do something as simple as hug me goodbye before i left on the bus. Said to me " have you talked to him about long distance?" ... When she asked me that.. how was i to tell her " He does not love me as much as I love him" .. I could not, because you did not even see that for youself. Your so called best friend did none of these gestures. This was already weird enough considering I was not a new girl to her, she knew me, but no effort was made to rekindle the friendship or get to know me. 
2. She was overly excited to be around you: 1. Lets forget her love emoji overload and her inappropriate hyping of you on instagram and facebook. Lets forget the back and forth tagging of one another on social media. Video calling Hangout sessions with you were her favourite. She hardly made time for others in her life, but for you she was always available. She paid no regard to another girl in your life, even if she knew who I was and posted the  video sessions and muted them. Please explain why she muted them? What was the point of positing them as well? She had not muted the skype sessions of other friends. Can she or even you try to picture what it would be like for someone to see the person you are dating on another girls snap of him smiling and laughing with just a tank top on with no idea of what they are saying. Would that be okay for your mental state when it was done consistently ? Now imagine that person being your high school best friend. 2.When she first saw you at the train station and when you saw her, you both beamed like I've never seen before and she ran up to meet you and hold you, but then slowed down when she saw my facial expression she toned it down a bit.  Yes you could say it is because it was a moment you were both waiting for because you have not met before but I saw something more. But lets ignore this. I shall go on.
3. She seemed sad. Here's how I knew she had feelings for you: She did not let me speak much about you, always found a way to change the subject. When I asked her what she got for you she was extremely secretive about the details as though her care for you via the gift would offend me. She offered to contribute to the gift for you, something that appears like a nice gesture made me extremely upset because she should know that i would not want anyone else being a part of something thats meant just from me to you.  She sat quietly on my bed alone, i tried asking her whats up, and whats been going on with her, even asking for her youtube playlist, she replied disconsolately like she did not want me to be there. 
4. Around you she was the perfect girl:                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I was ill at the time and had no energy to argue, I remember her putting her scarf around my neck and speaking as though she cared that I should go home and get rest, then took your hand and walked away with you back to your place cheerfully. There you enjoyed yourself laughing and taking pictures with the camera that was her gift. I am sure now you both go on skype sharing the printed images with one another and smiling in memory. She must be happy.

How I knew you liked her:

1. You were blind. Blind to her obvious feelings for you. She paid attention to you more than she did to her own boyfriend. Her boyfriend was very tolerant of it all, you seemed harmless, little did he know.
2. You looked at her in a way you never did with me after February. At your birthday you tried to play the perfect boyfriend but your heart was directing your body whilst your mind was begging you to pay attention to the girl you were hurting in the process. I watched you play with her, hit her with a balloon and view my facial expression as I said nothing and attempt to do the same with me. Why?, why would you ever ever everrrrrrrrr think I would want that. lol was that supposed to make me included in what you guys had going on? Dont force it D. the Moment you realise you are forcing your emotions it becomes a lie. I wish you realized that then. Even when she was in my house, you would sit as close as you possibly can on the couch with her while I was far away. You did not think of how I would feel then. However, When it was us together on the tour bus and she was somewhere else, you thought about how she would feel. you were so concerned about HER thirdwheeling, when the whole freaking weekend, I!! was the thirdwheel in your relationship with her. If you can not see it by now, refer to the first sentence in point 1.
3. You would be moody until you spoke to her.                                                        Yes you spoke to me when you were going through stuff but that was more therapeutic than out of wanting me to be on the recieving end.She was your place of joy when times were tough. I would ask you whats wrong sometimes and you would say nothing, but the moment I left the room to study and came back you were jumping up and down the room and trying to hold me. But of course I was angry, because this only happened after your skype sessions with her. What do you actually even talk about..think about it, why does it make you so happy? should I genuinely have been concerned? there were no text messages to incriminate either of you, would you be alright if I listened on every skype call? If the answer is no. Please think to yourself what you were doing. Whether you like it or not. Emotionally you were cheating. You denied it several times when I asked you if you had feelings for her. You were just not facing your true feelings fully then but now you have the freedom to.
4. Our toxic relationship. Imagine it without her in the picture, it would have been a completely different story. Goodbye to the long back and forth text messages, Goodbye to my worries about girls in your life because I was unbothered about the rest, even your exes and that is saying something. Goodbye to December worries when we decided to end whilst in that hotel, the thought of us ending wasn't hard for you. It was hard for you only for the thought of it being hard for me. You knew you would be fine. You couldn't place a finger on why you did not want to "waste my time" and the reason why you did not want me to visit you in france after we ended. You have your answer now.

My friendship with M bothered you when it shouldn't have. He was your friend understandably thats why. Why should I be close with him. In Hindsight, I shouldn't have. But I did not expect you to be so against it after all guys and girls can be just friends..just like you and her right?  but I was surprised you were more so because I knew you trusted Him the way I trusted Ibironke, you knew he would never do that to you. I could never say the same for Her. I got to know from him how happy you were with her, your chess sessions, skypes, late night calls. I didn't even have to ask specifically. You got mad at him for talking to me about anything like that, which you have every right to but should it have really bothered you that much? They seemed so innocent to you , the things you did with her , that is...in your head... but they were all forms of bonding and here you are wondering how it blossomed from more than a friendship.

Now for the main bit. The wish you wanted. You said you wanted to leave a mark with me physically and mentally. Mission accomplished



Thank you for the things I learnt

1. You taught me I could move on. I held on to my exes because I had a twisted idea of what kind of love I deserved. When you came, I learnt to let go of the love of the past and expect better for myself.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
2. You taught me to appreciate myself for how I am. Thanks for making me okay with what I was insecure about. Thank you for loving me when I didn't think If I had a choice of who to love, I wouldn't pick me.
3. Thank you for the fairy tale moments during the famous cupcake phase. Thanks for the morning messages, long phone calls, dealing with my insecurities and doubt, the best birthday of my life. Thanks for all of that.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   
4. Thank you for showing me that I am capable of loving someone unconditionally.That even when I want to hate you I know I cant.
5. Thank you for looking out for my emotions. Even when you couldn't help it, you paid attention when you thought I was uncomfortable. Thank you very much for that.
6. Thank you for showing me sacrifice. For showing me to constantly want to do better for myself.
7. Thanks for showing me what I look for in a person. Thanks for showing me that with me, you don't feel complete. There was no longing to continue, thanks for the guilt you felt of the thought of keeping my hope of us alive. Thank you for ending us.Thank you for not seeing a future with me. I am glad that with her you feel complete at an instant. At least you know now that this was not true love. 
8. Thank you for making me realize that sometimes Ignorance is bliss. 
9. Thank you most of all for showing me that I should always trust my intuition, I should always take the advice of others seriously. Thank you for showing me I was not crazy by being distressed by your friendship with her.
10. Thank you for showing me not to settle for what is not meant for me. 
11. Thank you for realizing you loved your best friend on the day that we started. Its ironic isn't it. She helped us begin and she helped us end to start her story with you. February. Thank you for making moving on from me happen so soon. Thanks for helping me hate that month. I remember when you told me "Im just going to focus on my work not really looking for anyone else". You said the words "I am not looking for anyone else" when I asked you about her too. I am glad you don't go looking. I am glad you realized you were in love with your best friend.

I don't hate you and I do honestly wish that you personally would be okay. All your troubles will go away. I wont lie and say I am happy for your relationship with her. You guys maybe are meant to be and I came to terms with that long ago. To me, I may find her deceitful and untrustworthy, but you see the beauty in her.Maybe you are meant to. Your relationship starting may seem like it started innocently. But I want you to know..it did not. No matter how much you try to convince yourself that it did. I repeat. It did not. If you have the ability to assess your emotions before you confessed them. you would realise you have been in a relationship with her earlier than you thought. I feel like what we had was for nothing but a lesson. Thanks for January, Thanks for October 14, thanks for December. The rest have been tainted by me unable to tell when you lost whatever you felt when we started.

I have moved on from you in terms of loving you. However, I have not yet moved on from the hurt and pain you caused. You sleep well at night aside from other troubles, you have her to comfort you, to say sweet stuff to, to distract you. Not knowing what impact your footprint made when you left Scotland.

You have changed my mental state.

1. I am unable to decipher true love
2. I am unable to feel anything substantial for anyone
3. I am unable to get attached to anyone because I assume people do not know what they want. One day they love you, the next it is someone else. So I do not let myself fall deep. Your new girl i.e. my old best friend, taught me this too for friendships with those around me. I cant get attached because people can switch up on you.
4. I am unable to approach a guy who I see has a "best girl friend". I run far away.
5. I spend days in church crying in the bathroom and nights in weekly church meetings, they would pray for me and my prayer was "genuine happiness, because I did not know what was wrong" and as they pray i would cry without opening my eyes. But the minute my eyes opened tears fell and I had to run crying in the bathroom.I never know what is wrong with me, but when I sleep that night, I dream of you. 
6. I am unable to address my emotions. I feel numb. I feel pain to the point I cant feel. I think I am being brave but instead I am avoiding. 
7. I run away to different parts of Scotland just to get away. Just to not feel your presence or the memories we had at every corner. 
8. I can't listen to any song that reminds me of you. I freak out whenever I see anyone that looks like you.
9. I cant speak to anyone because no one understands how deep it is. No one . Not even me.
10. I am more mature now.

A little story time from the present day:

I went to repair my phone yesterday                 
But something was wrong after I got it                 
I paid 100 to repair it                 
It was dull in terms of colour                 
So I was taking it back today for them to replace it
I did my makeup, as I was doing my mascara for my lashes, i felt the urge to cry but I could not make myself cry. I tried to. I find it easy to cry over little things or cry with sympathy for someone else, but when it comes to myself, im hella strong, and could not bring myself to cry even though I knew what I felt was big and needed to for the release.
I ignored the emotion and headed to the bus stop           
But on the first step on the bus I was taking to the repair store, the phone dropped                 
Normally it can survive such a small drop                 
But when it dropped                 
And a tiny base at the bottom cracked                 
When I got to the repair store                 
They said they cant replace it                 
And the guy was like I wish I could help you, he tried using the old screen to reline the screen so the phone would work again                 
It didnt                 
He said It that must be bad karma                 
And I looked down                 
And saw the  words on an ad for sd cards on the table                 
"Life is full of unexpected moments, keep every one for life"             
I thought that was funny because i was thinking about the whole ex-relationship situation during the time he was fixing it and wondering if I should delete all our memories                 
 Cuz i didnt delete the one for my first bf                 
 Because memories should be kept                 
 Good or bad                 
And I just broke down crying                 
Because everything was fragile:                 
Me                 
My Phone
My Heart             
Life                 
And sometimes I have to accept there's nothing I can do about it                 
I had to accept it....
           
The repair guy handed me my unrepaired phone                 
Said he was sorry                 
And I walked out

You may think I wrote all this to make you feel guilty. I did not. I wrote it because my only way to move on from pain, love, depression, hurt, everything. Is by writing. When I speak, what I want to say does not come out properly, which is why I seemed okay on the phone. You do not understand how deep what you have done is but don't feel bad about it. As much as I do not like what you have done to my mindset, I am happy that you are discovering what you want out of life more and I am happy you came because I realise what i want from a guy more.

I want someone who has me as his first choice . Someone who is proud to say that he is dating me, to friends and family. Someone who tries to get to know my family, just like you became best friends with her sister. Someone who is my BEST FRIEND. Someone who likes PDA to an extent of forgetting the world around you. Someone who knows me deeply to know what I want without me having to give a hint, or having to ask advice from others. Someone who is firm with me and mature. Someone who does not make me second guess his love for me and I do not have to feel like I am in competition with anyone. Someone who works on his ambitions and my ambitions together. Someone who expresses himself, who does not keep his emotions and thoughts inwards at all times but it shows facially. Someone who reminds me to do the same.Someone with an inspiring relationship with God.  Someone who if he is out without me, they see me in him. Someone my friends and family can look at me and say " He's the one" . Someone who can look at me and say " She's the one"(see end of article for Crucifixion type love)

So I just want to say thank you because eventually I will get there. With time I will heal. The heart has to be broken to open.


The pictures below are photos I put in the shared drive before we ended. I did not realize I would relate till them so much till now.



          



 and my personal favourite:

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I want you to know that it takes two to tango and I am in no way excusing myself from the things I did on my part.  However, it helps to realize to know things you may not have seen before, and I think all this could help you in your future relationships. or rather.. relationship. since shes "the one". Thanks for making my year unforgettable D. The poem i wrote about Prince Charming  was not about you when I wrote it, your guy best friend M,  knows what it is about. However, It is now. 

THE END
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Prince Charming

Yes I agree

Give me the dreams and wonders my eyes never did see

You saw my heart, my hurt, my pain

It became your mission to wipe it away.

I fell for it, a Prince at last

that made me forget, the frogs of my past.

I was your Princess, I felt it all

There were no more bricks on my wall

You changed my world,

You were ..'The One'

But little did I know

It would be undone.

For you knew from the start

This was just for now

But your Queen was your future

She had your heart.

Now I lie alone, with the memories

While my Prince became her King

And My love He buries.

Crucifixion type love – Brent Rice 

My biggest prayer is to love her right
I want to…
Love her like Christ loved the church
Love her like her Father in Heaven
Loves Her Love her like the Holy Spirit loves her soul
And love her like she was created to be loved

But sometimes….
Sometimes my flesh tries to intimidate me with that kind of love
Its like my spirit cries out from the depths of this corrupted prison
With the voice of abel screaming that
I have not loved her to the extent Christ loves the church
I want a crucifixion type love

Everytime I hug her I want my arms to be spread out on the cross
And I want to die to my childish ways
Everytime I look into her eyes
I want a crown of thorns to be placed on my head and surrender my thought life to her honor
I want the walks we take in the park
To be nails driven into my feet so that they will lead her with the authority of Moses
I want a crucifixion type love

I want a love that will cause dead men to rise
When people gaze on us, they want to know who is this Christ that we speak of
Everytime she falls I want to take her in my arms like my cross and carry her up to calvary
I want men to mock me for not wanting to be like them
For not wanting to squander my love on various women
But to have the passion to pour out my love onto one soul for all of eternity
I want a crucifixion type love

I want a love that was predestined before eternity
I want a love that was birthed in my mother’s womb
I want a love that is willing to give up this world for her
I want a love that is immaculate
I want a love that makes the angels wish they were in our shoes
I want a love that will make me pray to God and say
Who am I that YOU are mindful of me to bless me with her
I want a crucifixion type love

I want a love that bleeds purity
I want a love that people will lie on us just to see us split apart
I want a love that will make me run away to a far village,
build a mansion for you with my bare hands
and send you love letters every day reminding you of me
letters that you can keep in a book and spend time reading them every day
I want a love that will make my spirit pray for you
I want a love that will make me walk on water
in the middle of the most dangerous storm for you
I want a crucifixion type love

I want a love that my friends will betray me because of my affection for you
I want a love that after we’re gone,
that for centuries to come men will aim to follow in our legacy
Everytime I rise in the morning
I want it to be my cross being raised upright for you
To stand on the hill of my life and portray a beautiful sacrifice
I want to be placed into the tomb of your heart
The Tomb that your mother and father built
I want a love that will rise with all power over adversity
I want a love that people will flock to see if it is real
I want a crucifixion type love

I want a love that shows my yearning for you
I want a love that even when we argue,
I still have a burning passion & desire to be with you
I want a love that heals
The kind of love that covers the wounds that were dug deep by the knives of infidelity and insecurity
I want a love that makes God get up and dance around his throne every time he sets his eyes on us
I want a crucifixion type love

So with all of that said
Lord, give me the strength to love her like you love me
Like the way you didn’t consider being equal with the Father a thing to be grasped
But you came and gave up your throne for the filth of this world
And in love, you served In the same way
Let me serve her unconditionally infinitely
Let me MAN UP
And quit wasting time playing games
and pursue her like you pursue your church
Because you have chosen me to be entrusted with her heart
So let me cherish it like a jeweler cherishes a diamond
Let me examine it and find out every minute detail about her worth

So into your hands I commit this relationship
Because I want to love her like you Love your church

I WANT a Crucifixion…type…love…