What does friendship mean to you?

 When i was asked this question, I did not know where to start from

but one word came to mind

Peace

Jhene once said : "i used to think i was introverted because i really liked being alone but it turns out that i just like my peace, I am very extroverted around people who bring me peace"

I could understand where Jhene was coming from

As you get older, 

the dramas that once used to excite you 

because it made your life interesting 

feel so unnecessary

I do not know where i stand really 

I would say for me, 

mine is not a 'BUT'

rather more an 'AND'

I love being alone 

and I like my peace

it is also true i can be extroverted 

but only when I am out with my friends that make me feel that.

 

Over the years

 I have had various sorts of friends

I have had friends who have let their jealousy make them vicious,

those ones that want your downfall

 while enjoying your fun sides

they live to compete with you on almost everything

men, other friendships, materialistic things, physical attributes

they fed off their insecurity

and sometimes you wonder why you entertained it

they wanted to drown you

and not just metaphorically

eventually you stop swimming with the sharks

 

I have had friends who like to keep you around 

are there for you for the good times

and at times when you are desperate

but when you need them, need their support

 for something deep to you

something that would grow you in some capacity

they watch from a distance

silent 

not deadly or vicious like the former

just silent

hoping they can scrape by with the bare minimum

and be there to sing your praises when it all works out

obviously it hurts

knowing they are the one person in your friend group not visibly showing support

but you cannot think of a reason why they would not

they simply do not want to

but what does that mean to you?

what does your friendship mean to them?

 

I have had friends who drained me

emotionally, mentally, in every form

they were sweet deep down

but the energy it required to be friends with them

needed constant refilling 

they were sensitive 

I mean, I am sensitive too

but they were even more than me, 

which i did not think was possible

they were possessive

absolutely could not stand you being close to others

sometimes they even voiced it

how you are their best/only girl friend

it was a lot and  sometimes

 I did not have the emotional bank account or physical energy to give

taking breaks from the friendship was not enough

because they would be back

they wanted all your energy expended on them

they will get you to various stressful levels

but you will know when its time to unplug

 

Then the most frustrating I would say,

are the Hi-Bye Ride or Dies

these are the friends you come to value so deeply

they become so close to you

you get so attached

to the point you've shut out the world subconsciously for them

they are easy to be friends with

illusionary peace

they know everything about you in and out

better than your partners or family sometimes even knew

and they loved you

everytime they saw you they filled with excitement

they want to talk to you everyday

it felt mutual

until it wasn't

these are the friends that disappear when you least expect it

not for anything bad

and not the kind that take a moment once or twice because their lives got busy 

or something was happening personal to them

no, this one is constant and for long periods

to the point you have a whole new life

whole new developments

and just the excuse they give when they want to come back

but you've been watching them from afar enjoying their lives without you

with no explanation

 the friends that ghost

take all your secrets, gist, emotions with them

you are at a loss of what to do and where to start from

because they were your person

 in a way others were not

and it feels like betrayal

like taking a knife to a heart

then coming back to heal it and stab it again 

just to test when it would finally stop pumping

they expect you to always be there when they are back

but one day they would meet an empty room

when they least expect it too.

 

so what does friendship mean to me now?

well these experiences have formed me to allocate my emotional bank account

I have friends that are sisters

I have friends that are ride or die ghosters

I have friends for fun

I have friends for chilled vibes

friends for deep chat

I have friends for empowerment and support

I have friends for life.

My goal no longer is to get super close to any one of these friends

I just mentally categorize  

and rather to keep them all as my family

that way I am never disappointed

I cant get hurt or let them fail to meet my expectations 

I love them all

and I have kept my peace in it.

there is no counting scores of friendship

where you try to match energy so it does not feel one-sided

where you're questioning whether the person cares about you

 the same way you care about them

that was the danger with the hi-bye ride or die

you care too much about it being one-sided energy

now you just value peace

 

You now do what is within your capacity

what gives you that peace

you don't feel drained, hurt, abandoned or betrayed

and this time they have to adjust their expectations 

rather than try to make you mould to theirs 

and what they would want from a friendship

you don't get hurt when you don't get support from one

because you know the ones that give it to you

you don't get hurt when one does not have energy 

to hang with you as much as you would like

because you have those who can keep up

you don't get drained  by  those that want your energy to match theirs

because you adjust their expectations 

you don't get sad when they ghost

because you have come to accept 

everyone is entitled to leave , stay, be busy, handle their business 

and do what makes them happy

that is a level of emotional maturity

where you are not stressing others

and they are not stressing you

you have learnt how many chances you want to give them

how long you want to hear excuses 

and when they reach that limit

you simply drop them, no bad blood

just choosing peace

for those that have not reached the limit yet

you say hello every time they are back from their vacation

you do not get offended

because that only hurts your peace

you basically enjoy what each individual has to offer

and accept them for who they are

and know you are not alone 

you value what each person has the capacity to give

no one is perfect

and you kept those imperfect ones you can handle

 around for a reason

 

the one that can never disappoint

is the one you are closest to

the one that constantly makes your heart full

that you can tell anything to

the one that never abandons you

and always has the energy for you

the one that is never one sided

who you might ask?

thats my best friend

God.