Hello

sometimes it all gets too much and there's no one i can talk to
or maybe no one that can give a solution
thats why writing has always been my comfort zone even when i dont understand or can predict what i am about to type next.
i just go nonstop, closing my eyes and allowing my thoughts to guide my fingers on the keyboard.
I cant take it anymore
I feel stuck
in everything
sad but not sure why
urge to tear up but can't be bothered to because it solves nothing
angry at my own thoughts
wanting my own Portugal
I keep searching in the wrong areas to fill that void
why I cant I deal with what I feel in other ways
none of those things make me happy
it just makes me happy and secure for that moment but then i feel guilty
school becomes overwhelming
i actually can't breathe
wanting that first class so badly but feeling like its a long shot
wondering why i even want it in the first place
a good career?
where would I be, its hard to even secure a place anywhere abroad
i want to even go home home , but home is also such a.. well you know.
even with the good career if it comes, who really cares, what am i doing it for
its unlikely to make me happy 24/7
and in heaven God wont be like oh tell me about your career either so what am I really searching for.
I dont find comfort in people either, i like to think i do, its always nice to talk but sometimes the torture with your thoughts floating about in your head feels just as good.
typing in the dark.
always feels good to rant even when it makes no sense
for once i dont even want to make sense i just want to type... and keep typing...
depression? no..do we even get that?. i don't know what it is but i also feel i don't have time for it
priorities. i have priorities. priorities that are priorities just because they are.
no time for thoughts or feelings, just do, just keep doing.. keep walking the pointless "purposeful" path
what i really want right now is to be on that rocky beach again staring into the ocean
thinking about nothing and everything
no priorities
procrastination, its like my best friend because its an escape from reality, everything is on pause and the guilt feels good.. till the show is over and you know thats not your life.
I hate tv.
I hate what I am feeling

Sometimes I ask myself what must I believe to feel this way ? 
but im glad its out,
negative emotions should never be kept in.
I know you're there.
Im just saying hello.