Numb in the midst of uncertainty.

Comfort in the midst of uncertainty.
I have no idea where the money or the opportunity will come from
Luck has not been on my side so far, why should it then?
Then why am I so calm.
I want to be worried but I also enjoy the comfort my inner self is giving
I feel protected .. by nothing.
I can't say its God because I am not sure he approves of my decisions
I am just tired of people asking
I just want out
I just want to be on my own
I want the independence
and I know the reality
I know its not easy
I know they would most likely say I told you so
I know
and I don't care
well.. I don't care right now.
Right now I just want peace
The numbness I feel right now is theoretically worrisome
but that's only because I know what happens when it builds up.
My body loses control and the cycle repeats.
Why can't I just stay numb.
Maybe I am naive.
Optimistic?
Maybe
I still describe myself as pessimistic regardless.
That's only because I know it wont be easy.
I just have not accepted that it would be my reality
well because..
It has not happened yet.
May 8.
July 7
September 30
I am looking forward and dreading you
How do you hand me freedom and entrap me concurrently.
When will my reality hit.